Ha! After fighting with the HTML for an hour and a half I've figured out how to change my layout!! Well, the colours and the header, which is the most important stuff, right? Right. So I made a new header but I'm not 100% sure I like it so I'm going to keep fiddling until it's just right. But...ugh, so much work! Not that I don't love it. Anyway, new theme, come check it out and comment away.

It's so goddamn hot today and I can't decide whether I'm in a good or a bad mood. I'm pissed as hell at Peter, he was being snarky last night and when I went to bed I cried for 3 hours before I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow all thanks to him.

I'm finally over him, and this time it's for real. He's a distant friend, but not someone I can rely on. His not worth the place in my life that I kept for him.

The old me would have emailed or messaged or called him to tell him what an ass he was, but I'm not going to do that, I just have to let it go.

Did some other stuff today job wise which is good, Mum's being really supportive but pushy which is just what I need and I love her no matter how much it bugs me sometimes.

I'm scared that my Katie is upset with me.

So now I'm off to the corner store to buy an icecream and walk to the library even though it's 30 degrees out. I'll get some books so I can spend another weekend in bed with my pretend friends from between the ragged pages of yet another borrowed book.

Today has been okay. I wasn't working at all this week but I went in to change my bank details and they gave me 5 hours. So I did that tonight, hopefully I can get at least 10 more this week. That would be awesome. I went to Dynamitus after work and did some extra strength which was good. Pete dropped me home and we had a chat. Big cuddles too *smile* I needed a hug.

I've been playing around in Photoshop tonight and I have two banners. Same picture, same words but one is in colour and the other is in B&W.

( Banners, The OC )

Have a bit of a headache right now but I totally can't be bothered getting anything for it. I didn't eat enough today. I had 3 weetbix, a milo bar, a bowl or rice and tuna and a bite size muffin. I just totally forgot to eat. I think I'm going to keep making the banners, maybe do a Valentines thing and send it before bed even though technically VDay is over. *Shrug*

I feel like going friends only just so I can make myself a pretty friends only banner. I'll just make banners anyway I think.

I don't want to have to go to training tomorrow, I don't know why I don't feel like going, I just don't. But of course I will and it will turn out fine like it always does. I think Cameron and Emma are going out with Andrew tomorrow so I might be able to con Mum into taking me down to Balmoral to have a look at some shops.

I want to head to the library before training tomorrow too so I can get out some books and just spend the weekend in bed. Just going to stay in and do my own thing for a while.

If there's one thing I've learned over the past few years it's don't trust other people. Don't believe them when they say they'll do something. Don't believe them when they say they're telling the truth. People go too far overboard to protect other people's feelings. I'm so sick of being lied to. Of being told someone will do something for you when it's an empty promise because they just don't like saying no. I'm not talking about anyone in particular...just something that has been bugging me for a while.

I was watching Lost in Translation earlier and I forgot how much I loved that movie. It's not about anything...but there's this huge undercurrent racing through the whole film. It's not always racing, sometimes it slows and trickles...like a river I guess. It sounds corny but hey, thats how it makes me feel. Scarlett is just amazing. The scene where she's on the phone to a friend and trying so hard  not to cry, and then as soon as she hangs up she bursts into tears. Thats me. That, right there, in that 30 seconds or however long it is, is my life in a nutshell. And I don't want it to be like that anymore. So it won't be.

I can feel myself falling again. Right now I feel so so hungry and it feels so good. So light, so free. I never ever want to eat again. I will, of course, but if I can remember how I feel right now then I can loose this weight. I hope I'm still at about 66, probably at 67 though. If I can lose even 5 then it would be so much less wear and tear on my body. So I have to do this. I think that's it for now.

Lookie! Lookie! It's soooooooooooooo cool! My Katie is a wonder woman with the HTML ;)

Just got a rude wake up call, phone started blaring next to my head so I picked it up preparing to grump at the person on the other end so I'm all ...um...I'll do it this way...

C: (This is me) Hello?
Lady: Hi, this is blah blah from Country Road, is Catherine there?
C: Yes, thats me.
Lady: Oh hi Catherine I was just wondering if you're free for a quick chat about the position you applied for.
C: Um yeah, that sounds great (giant inner squee!)

And it went on like that for a while. Yay!!! I'm totally not counting my chickens but it'll (hopefully) be part time (so Thursday through Sunday) which would (technically) mean I can stay at Target too and keep my staff discount! Cause I get discount to Coles, Myer, Target...just everywhere. Anyway, next few weeks they'll be calling people back. Cross your fingers for me guys!!

Okay, this goes out to my stalker, and I know you will read this because you are obsessed with me. Obviously.

Do you do acro? Can you throw a 33kg person 1m in the air and catch them again? Because not many people can. And I'm not one of those few who can. Because last Monday at training, my back hurt so badly I physically could not draw breath. I already have major back problems and continuing with a partner who is too heavy for me and wouldn't be able to compete at the level I'm capable of just doesn't make sense.

I'll paint a picture for you. The other women's pairs at the gym have tops that wouldn't exceed 25kgs. There is one who would maybe be 28-30, but her base is the base of the trio who came second at world championships last year. She's strong. Ash was 33-35kgs and is 13, so she's only going to grow. That's the size of most of the mixed pair tops. And, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a man. I'm not that strong.

I've been dumped for other bases who are better than me. It happens all the time in this sport. People make decisions that are good for themselves, to get them as far as they can go. I know for a fact we wouldn't have made it to nationals, which is where I want to be. I've been on the state team 5 times, and I miss it. Ash wasn't the partner to go there with me. Sarah is.

Physically, it wouldn't have worked anyway. Yuriy had serious doubts from the very second we walked in the door. What's the point of trying to do something when a) the odds are stacked heavily against you and b) you're risking your body? I'm sorry, but I don't want to have permenant bodily damage just to compete level 5. Seriously? Fuck that.

So I called work to ask if I had any hours for this week. No. Lisa (the recpetionist) said she had a few shifts that needed filling but she needed to check up on something and she'd call me back. That was two hours ago. I'm so angry it's not funny. I'm going to spend the afternoon applying to jobs online. Just...UGH!!! And if I get a call at 4.05 tonight asking where I am and saying I'm supposed to be there god help me, I'm going to be livid. I need to somehow come up with $400 in two weeks to pay my gym fees and phone bill. Something tells me my trust is going to get broken into within the next few months so I can pay for gym and my trip. Because there is no way in hell I'm not seeing my Katie in Byron. No way in hell.

Onto other news Pete emailed last night just telling me that he really is busy and tired. He has no spare time this week, but that's okay, it'll be in a few weeks. I need to get my money situation under control first. Mum is taking me shopping tomorrow. Training with Sarah. I hope it's not too hot.

Ash was going off at me last night. Basically blew up at me for half an hour. I understand she's angry and upset, but she'd say something and I'd come back with a perfectly plausable answer because I so wasn't about to get angry, and she'd be like yeh wateva. I loath people who don't talk in full words. I mean, I usually use abbrivations in sms, but I think thats a legit reason because you don't want to send 3 messages when you can send one in short hand. Oh well, now I actually have a good partner.

The one thing that is working for me right now is my weight. It's coming off, my thighs are shrinking a little. Guess thats nice.

( Just some pics I took last night )

Wow I had the best sleep last night. For the most part anyway. I had this weird dream which was pretty upsetting though. There was this guy who was obsessed with me and was pretty violent and abusive and stuff, and I was running around this place trying to get away from him. It was terrifying. Like, I somehow knew he was in the house when I'd just gotten out of the shower so I had to leave the house wrapped in my towel and run for my life. I remember I ended up a few streets away from Pete's place so I called him crying and stuff and told him someone was after me and could I stay at his place till it was safe and he said no. It was bizarre. He had another girl there, I could here her but I didn't care, I just wanted him to save me and protect me. I know if someone were trying to hurt me then he would do anything he could to help, just this was weird. But I know it's in my head.

It's really hot today, it's shitty. The heat isn't the bad thing, it's because everything is still damp from the rain so it's so humid and muggy. I'm really not in the mood for training tonight, though I am looking forward to doing some r'off backs. I'm in the biggest mood for a lamington. I might see if we can stop by the bakery on the way to getting Em today, cause I'm driving.

Ortho today was fine, I have the chain links on the top so my front teeth aren't getting gaps between them from the bands. I have smaller bands to wear now too, I have them in now and they're starting to hurt. But Anna (my orthodontist) said from here on in it's me who's going to determine how much longer I have my braces for. The more I wear the bands, the sooner they can come off. I'll just need to remember that when I feel like crying because of the pain.