Old enough to know better

DMB is the shit.

2005-06-23T09:15:26Z

“I was feeling like a creep, as I watched you asleep

Face down in the grass, in the park in the middle of a hot afternoon.

Your top was untied and I thought ‘How nice it would be to follow the sweat down your spine,’”

I love DMB.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-03-20T20:42:00

2005-03-20T10:42:58Z

Mum and I are heading to Toowong tomorrow and I’m getting my hair cut. I need a new style or something cause it’s so blah how it is now. Then we’re going to the city so Mum can pick up some books and I’m showing her my shoes. Then to Centerlink to hand in some stuff then Employment Plus and then work. I have 11 hours this week so by next Friday (after Easter) I’ll only owe Mum $100. Then there will be more fees to pay and Sarah and I are heading to Sylvia’s during the week after Easter to choose a leotard. And I need a tracksuit for first comp! Stress.

Friends Only

2005-02-26T14:37:52Z

Friends only, fuckers. I'm done with this shit. Check the userinfo for commenting etiquette

BAH OW

2005-02-22T16:54:18Z

So tired. I should really go to bed.

Training was awesome, I think we're going to have really nice routines this year. Sarah's old Robbo leo doesn't fit anymore so we get to buy new ones! Yay! Something happened during a reverse prep though so I dropped her off my hands and caught her and the bone in her forearm came SMACK onto my forearm and totally corked the muscle. Now I can't bend my wrist forward properly. Le owie.

Going to do some quality window shopping tomorrow! Get paid like $50 woo :|

I want it to be Friday so I can text Geoff.

New Layout again

2005-02-20T17:00:41Z

Ha! After fighting with the HTML for an hour and a half I've figured out how to change my layout!! Well, the colours and the header, which is the most important stuff, right? Right. So I made a new header but I'm not 100% sure I like it so I'm going to keep fiddling until it's just right. But...ugh, so much work! Not that I don't love it. Anyway, new theme, come check it out and comment away.

Whoop de doooooooooooooooooo!

2005-02-20T12:28:04Z

Yay for me. I weighed myself after dinner too, so yessssssssss! I'm doing it properly too, I'm eating healthy. God I'm proud of myself.

Mum's putting these gorgeous indian type slippers on lay-by for me tomorrow too *giant grin* because I (yet again) didn't get a call from work so she's feeling sorry for me. Right now I'm getting a list of places I'd like to work and I'll get the phone numbers and tomorrow I'll do a giant ring around. Because I (hope) I'm friendly and cheerful and stuff so I'll just try everywhere. Because I want a freaking job! Good goddamn somethings gotta give soon.

Oh god, such a long way to go

2005-02-18T13:28:38Z

It's over

2005-02-18T05:54:05Z

It's so goddamn hot today and I can't decide whether I'm in a good or a bad mood. I'm pissed as hell at Peter, he was being snarky last night and when I went to bed I cried for 3 hours before I fell asleep on a soaking wet pillow all thanks to him.

I'm finally over him, and this time it's for real. He's a distant friend, but not someone I can rely on. His not worth the place in my life that I kept for him.

The old me would have emailed or messaged or called him to tell him what an ass he was, but I'm not going to do that, I just have to let it go.

Did some other stuff today job wise which is good, Mum's being really supportive but pushy which is just what I need and I love her no matter how much it bugs me sometimes.

I'm scared that my Katie is upset with me.

So now I'm off to the corner store to buy an icecream and walk to the library even though it's 30 degrees out. I'll get some books so I can spend another weekend in bed with my pretend friends from between the ragged pages of yet another borrowed book.

Banners and stuff.

2005-02-14T15:22:51Z

Today has been okay. I wasn't working at all this week but I went in to change my bank details and they gave me 5 hours. So I did that tonight, hopefully I can get at least 10 more this week. That would be awesome. I went to Dynamitus after work and did some extra strength which was good. Pete dropped me home and we had a chat. Big cuddles too *smile* I needed a hug.

I've been playing around in Photoshop tonight and I have two banners. Same picture, same words but one is in colour and the other is in B&W.

Have a bit of a headache right now but I totally can't be bothered getting anything for it. I didn't eat enough today. I had 3 weetbix, a milo bar, a bowl or rice and tuna and a bite size muffin. I just totally forgot to eat. I think I'm going to keep making the banners, maybe do a Valentines thing and send it before bed even though technically VDay is over. *Shrug*

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-02-11T22:46:00

2005-02-11T15:06:43Z

I feel like going friends only just so I can make myself a pretty friends only banner. I'll just make banners anyway I think.

I don't want to have to go to training tomorrow, I don't know why I don't feel like going, I just don't. But of course I will and it will turn out fine like it always does. I think Cameron and Emma are going out with Andrew tomorrow so I might be able to con Mum into taking me down to Balmoral to have a look at some shops.

I want to head to the library before training tomorrow too so I can get out some books and just spend the weekend in bed. Just going to stay in and do my own thing for a while.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-02-10T23:02:00

2005-02-10T13:09:13Z

Went to the beach today with Wayne which was heaps fun! I got burnt (though not badly) and so training tonight really hurt since Sarah was standing on my shoulders a lot. We're doing level 7, Yuriy knows we're ready so now we need routines. We'll probably use Sarahs from last year since she knows them and knows the beat and stuff.

The weather is starting to cool down a little bit and I don't like it :( I have NO money to buy new clothes. I've also found two pairs of shoes and a new bag I want so as soon as I get an extra $270 I'm getting them. Then I need new jeans (lots) and jackets...ugh. I totally need a new job. I think I'll give Country Road a call tomorrow and see what the go is. I don't want to be a hassle but I guess it could be good to let them know how interested I actually am. Anyway, I'm off to bed to sunggle under the covers!

Hot day again

2005-02-08T04:57:24Z

So Pete hasn't come over but I'm not going to message. Not going to talk to him again until Friday.

Training tonight is going to be a total scorcher. I'm almost comfortable right now but I'm wearing a baggy singlet top and underwear. Too goddamn hot to train! But things should be good tonight, feels like forever since we've trained.

I'm not losing anymore weight. I ate so much crap yesterday. I had honey chicken and fried rice at about 3 before work and then a small McNugget meal thingy from Maccas at about 10.30 when Wayne dropped me home. Thats all I ate, but all of it was pretty much pure fat. I've done well so far today though. I'm 66 right now and that's after a bowl of cereal and a big glass of orange juice. So I guess thats good. *Shrug*

I'm determined to get corkscrew skill tonight. Going to do a billion of them. Or until I do it right. It's just so damn hard! And also doing backsaults on the tumbletrack. I might try some standing today, see how I go. Even the 11 year olds at the Academy can do standing back tucks on the floor! Haha I suck. Thats all for now.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-02-06T00:08:00

2005-02-05T16:07:50Z

If there's one thing I've learned over the past few years it's don't trust other people. Don't believe them when they say they'll do something. Don't believe them when they say they're telling the truth. People go too far overboard to protect other people's feelings. I'm so sick of being lied to. Of being told someone will do something for you when it's an empty promise because they just don't like saying no. I'm not talking about anyone in particular...just something that has been bugging me for a while.

I was watching Lost in Translation earlier and I forgot how much I loved that movie. It's not about anything...but there's this huge undercurrent racing through the whole film. It's not always racing, sometimes it slows and trickles...like a river I guess. It sounds corny but hey, thats how it makes me feel. Scarlett is just amazing. The scene where she's on the phone to a friend and trying so hard not to cry, and then as soon as she hangs up she bursts into tears. Thats me. That, right there, in that 30 seconds or however long it is, is my life in a nutshell. And I don't want it to be like that anymore. So it won't be.

I can feel myself falling again. Right now I feel so so hungry and it feels so good. So light, so free. I never ever want to eat again. I will, of course, but if I can remember how I feel right now then I can loose this weight. I hope I'm still at about 66, probably at 67 though. If I can lose even 5 then it would be so much less wear and tear on my body. So I have to do this. I think that's it for now.

Possible job? Woot!

2005-02-04T01:21:57Z

Lookie! Lookie! It's soooooooooooooo cool! My Katie is a wonder woman with the HTML ;)

Just got a rude wake up call, phone started blaring next to my head so I picked it up preparing to grump at the person on the other end so I'm all ...um...I'll do it this way...

C: (This is me) Hello?
Lady: Hi, this is blah blah from Country Road, is Catherine there?
C: Yes, thats me.
Lady: Oh hi Catherine I was just wondering if you're free for a quick chat about the position you applied for.
C: Um yeah, that sounds great (giant inner squee!)

And it went on like that for a while. Yay!!! I'm totally not counting my chickens but it'll (hopefully) be part time (so Thursday through Sunday) which would (technically) mean I can stay at Target too and keep my staff discount! Cause I get discount to Coles, Myer, Target...just everywhere. Anyway, next few weeks they'll be calling people back. Cross your fingers for me guys!!

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-02-03T23:02:00

2005-02-03T13:04:16Z

Giant assed mega huge overhaul of layout. It shall be spiffy beyond words. Just hang in there through the carnage guys! Hope everyone is well, I'm totally dandy.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-01-31T22:11:00

2005-01-31T12:54:54Z

Okay, this goes out to my stalker, and I know you will read this because you are obsessed with me. Obviously.

Do you do acro? Can you throw a 33kg person 1m in the air and catch them again? Because not many people can. And I'm not one of those few who can. Because last Monday at training, my back hurt so badly I physically could not draw breath. I already have major back problems and continuing with a partner who is too heavy for me and wouldn't be able to compete at the level I'm capable of just doesn't make sense.

I'll paint a picture for you. The other women's pairs at the gym have tops that wouldn't exceed 25kgs. There is one who would maybe be 28-30, but her base is the base of the trio who came second at world championships last year. She's strong. Ash was 33-35kgs and is 13, so she's only going to grow. That's the size of most of the mixed pair tops. And, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a man. I'm not that strong.

I've been dumped for other bases who are better than me. It happens all the time in this sport. People make decisions that are good for themselves, to get them as far as they can go. I know for a fact we wouldn't have made it to nationals, which is where I want to be. I've been on the state team 5 times, and I miss it. Ash wasn't the partner to go there with me. Sarah is.

Physically, it wouldn't have worked anyway. Yuriy had serious doubts from the very second we walked in the door. What's the point of trying to do something when a) the odds are stacked heavily against you and b) you're risking your body? I'm sorry, but I don't want to have permenant bodily damage just to compete level 5. Seriously? Fuck that.

Work can go to hell

2005-01-31T04:03:25Z

So I called work to ask if I had any hours for this week. No. Lisa (the recpetionist) said she had a few shifts that needed filling but she needed to check up on something and she'd call me back. That was two hours ago. I'm so angry it's not funny. I'm going to spend the afternoon applying to jobs online. Just...UGH!!! And if I get a call at 4.05 tonight asking where I am and saying I'm supposed to be there god help me, I'm going to be livid. I need to somehow come up with $400 in two weeks to pay my gym fees and phone bill. Something tells me my trust is going to get broken into within the next few months so I can pay for gym and my trip. Because there is no way in hell I'm not seeing my Katie in Byron. No way in hell.

Onto other news Pete emailed last night just telling me that he really is busy and tired. He has no spare time this week, but that's okay, it'll be in a few weeks. I need to get my money situation under control first. Mum is taking me shopping tomorrow. Training with Sarah. I hope it's not too hot.

Ash was going off at me last night. Basically blew up at me for half an hour. I understand she's angry and upset, but she'd say something and I'd come back with a perfectly plausable answer because I so wasn't about to get angry, and she'd be like yeh wateva. I loath people who don't talk in full words. I mean, I usually use abbrivations in sms, but I think thats a legit reason because you don't want to send 3 messages when you can send one in short hand. Oh well, now I actually have a good partner.

The one thing that is working for me right now is my weight. It's coming off, my thighs are shrinking a little. Guess thats nice.

pics

2005-01-28T10:26:54Z

They're (mostly) in my mirror, you can see the edge of it in some.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-01-28T13:57:00

2005-01-28T04:10:18Z

Wow I had the best sleep last night. For the most part anyway. I had this weird dream which was pretty upsetting though. There was this guy who was obsessed with me and was pretty violent and abusive and stuff, and I was running around this place trying to get away from him. It was terrifying. Like, I somehow knew he was in the house when I'd just gotten out of the shower so I had to leave the house wrapped in my towel and run for my life. I remember I ended up a few streets away from Pete's place so I called him crying and stuff and told him someone was after me and could I stay at his place till it was safe and he said no. It was bizarre. He had another girl there, I could here her but I didn't care, I just wanted him to save me and protect me. I know if someone were trying to hurt me then he would do anything he could to help, just this was weird. But I know it's in my head.

It's really hot today, it's shitty. The heat isn't the bad thing, it's because everything is still damp from the rain so it's so humid and muggy. I'm really not in the mood for training tonight, though I am looking forward to doing some r'off backs. I'm in the biggest mood for a lamington. I might see if we can stop by the bakery on the way to getting Em today, cause I'm driving.

Ortho today was fine, I have the chain links on the top so my front teeth aren't getting gaps between them from the bands. I have smaller bands to wear now too, I have them in now and they're starting to hurt. But Anna (my orthodontist) said from here on in it's me who's going to determine how much longer I have my braces for. The more I wear the bands, the sooner they can come off. I'll just need to remember that when I feel like crying because of the pain.

New fashion obsession

2005-01-27T13:48:01Z

PS
I have successfully come off my anti-depressants. Gooooooooo me!

Also...I was getting dressed today and I just threw on an old bonds bra I have thats this really cool red colour. It's not dark red or pink-red. It's red. And I threw my bonds childerns ribbed singlet over the top and it looked awesome. The top is just the teeniest bit transparent so you could almost see the red through, and you could see the red straps. This is offically my new fashion obsession. Bonds kids singlets and coloured bras. Yeah, I know I'm cool. www.bonds.com.au. Aussie shit rocks.

Gym talk really, plus some pictures

2005-01-27T13:25:34Z

And my favourite....\/

I'm breaking up with Ash tomorrow, I already have a new partner, Sarah. She' the sweetest little thing and about 10kgs lighter than Ash. I feel bad, but I have to do the thing thats right for me and in the long run it'll be better that Ash find someone that she can stick with. Probably be good for her to have a year off and work on her own skills anyway. I did a r'off back sault tonight!! On the tumble tramp, but it was still awesome. So nice to getting the feeling back. Anyway, about Sarah. We already have enough skills to compete level 7 just from tonight. In balance anyway, but she's so light I don't think tempo will be too much of a problem. She's actually deaf. Well, partially. I'm going to talk to Cat cause she'll know about it. I'm going to do some research into it anyway. She wears a hearing aid, I know that much, and she has to be looking at you when you talk, otherwise she can't understand you. She's just amazing.

So I realised today that I felt no need to see Pete anytime soon. Odd, huh? I talked to him last night cause I (genuinely) needed to ask a question. I kept it simple, cause it was about some stuff to do with holidays and he mentioned a site for a music fest, the one Kate and I are going to turns out. He went last year..and I was keeping it light, just asking about the fest and he was asking other stuff like how my celebacy is going.

Peter: I gotta crash mate
Catt: okay night
Peter: Stay safe, have fun and I’ll chat to you again soon
Catt: yes DAD
Peter: hahaha
Catt: night

He does care. But as the friend I want him to be. This is easier than I thought! Going to see if Richie wants to go to Southbank on Saturday. Maybe have breakfast, cause I have training 11. I have to save $500 for Byron too. And training is still another $230. And I have phone bills during that time which will be $80 a pop. I'm applying for a job at Pillow Talk tomorrow, it's about 2kms from the gym so I can walk to training if I work before. Life is pretty damn good right now.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-01-24T16:37:00

2005-01-24T06:50:34Z

Things are being awful with Jan. Though I'm firmly set in my resolve about Pete. He emailed back this morning going "Where did this come from? What's your problem?" I wrote him a huge reply which (I hope) came out rationally. I told him I need to know what he thinks of me and stuff. Everything that happened at the club felt so real and made me feel so good...anyway. I said all I wanted from him was a friend. I hope he can cope with this, he's not half as level headed as Pete is.

I miss him already. But I'll be fine. I have to leave for training in an hour, I just hope I don't burst into tears at the gym. That would suck, but I'm just feeling so emotionally vunrable. Life feels pretty shit but I know it'll get better soon. It has to.

Update muchness?

2005-01-23T17:57:12Z

This is for him, because I can't email. I refuse to, because I don't want to be to crazy little obsessive thing to him. On here I don't mind, because he doesn't see this.

It's going to sound weird, what I have to say, but you should be used to that coming from me. Be my friend? I know I don't mean too much to you, and not as much as a lot of other people because you grew up with them and have such a history, but I want to be your friend. I miss when things were uncomplicated and we'd flirt. You'd tease me, testing the water by throwing inuendo into our converastions and see how I'd react, always taking it a little further. Now we've shared what we have those bounderies don't exist anymore. And I want them back, so they can't be crossed again. It was fun while it lasted, and I'm glad it was you, but I need to move on. I'm sure you'll understand, and are probably be greatful for my decision. It's going to be a long process I think, retraining myself not to want to turn to you. I'm having trouble drawing the line at what's okay and what's not. I want to be your friend, and you be mine, but the extent of the friendship is unclear. I wish it were on my terms, that you could want me but it were I who was saying no. I don't want to have d and m's with you. I want for us to know each other and just to have fun every so often. Go out drinking or watch a movie. I do want to be able to turn to you when I need to, that you wouldn't be scared of my tears. I wish you could be okay with being a shoulder to cry on if I need it. And even knowing that you were okay with that would make all the difference.
I like the flirty fun we have, you patting my bum when we're out. Though why do you do it? Is it to keep me that little bit on edge, wanting just a little bit more so you know you have me? I doubt you're doing it knowingly, and I don't want to give up that friendly affection. I just need to recognise it as friendly affection as opposed to something more. I can remember so vividly the first time you touched me. It was so intense and I remember my face burning. Blusher was a good name. And I can't wait to build up those walls again, to make myself unaccessable to every man in my life and only let the guard down when I'm ready, let it down for someone special. For those first touches to be someone else and for me to be overwhelmed at giving myself to another person. And I can't wait for that someone to not be you. And I'm not bitter, I'm just excited for the future. To move on and be free from you. I hope you'll always be there in the background of my life...helping me out if I need it and having fun with me.

Thanks for the messages guys. I was crying when I read them, but in a good way lol. You guys mean the world to me. Richie, thanks hun. You've been irriplacable tonight.

24_pink_ponies @ 2005-01-23T22:35:00

2005-01-23T12:37:58Z

I want this pain to be over. He doesn't care about me. I don't think I want to be here anymore.

The person I love barely even knows I exist.

I thought it would be better with him back, but it's a million times worse.

Bad fucking mood.

2005-01-23T12:10:16Z

I feel so fucking alone. I don't belong anywhere. And anywhere I do belong, I don't want to. No, forget that. I just don't belong anywhere. I'm the one people like, but forget about. I'm the person people look past in a crowd. I'm the one who's always welcome, but never invited. Why? Why can't I find my niche? I have so many acquaintances but hardly any friends. I always have to fight to get out of the house. I’m so fucking sick of it. I have no money, though that’s okay too because I have nowhere to go so I don’t need it.

Pete went to the game last night. Nat knows how much I care about him and she said she was sick so we couldn’t go out this weekend. But she was at the game last night and she saw him. I’m fucking sick of being everyone’s second choice. I’m 18. I should be out having fun with my friends and doing shit. But I’m not. I have to grow up and get a job and pay bills. What’s the point of having nice things if you have no one to share them with? Of having nice clothes if you have nowhere to wear them? Of saying you have friends when they never want to do anything with you and you’re always being rejected?

I fucking hate my life. I’m so sick of people blaming me for everything. Mum just came in and I’m here crying and she asks if I have to baby-sit tomorrow and I don’t know because Paul hasn’t called and she’s like “I need to know!” I don’t fucking know, he hasn’t fucking called. And she just walks out like nothing is wrong. Just talking to Nat properly for the first time in ages and I said stuff about Jan and she’s like “Well you can’t just blame him, it’s your fault too.” You’re supposed to be my fucking friend. I was saving myself for someone and he fucking took that away from me. She has no fucking idea how scary it is to lie underneath someone you thought was your friend, you thought you could trust and have him use you. To take something that wasn’t theirs. I fucking hate him for what he’s done to me. He made me his whore. I fucking hate him. And Mum said I can't go back to see my shrink because it's $120 an hour 'and I've been fine.' Guess what Mum, turns out I'm great at putting up a front. And no I don't want to talk about it. How do you tell your mother you were raped? You've had sex with 4 different guys in 5 months and fooled around with another 3. All because you were too scared to say no, because no doesn't mean anything.

I want to call Pete. I want to talk to someone who believes me. But I can’t. He can’t do anything to help. And he still thinks I want some sort of physical relationship with him. I fucking hate my fucking life.